As with everything in pop culture, there are great moments, and then there are those that appear on lists like these. This one happens to do with music. So, sit back and enjoy the ride as we scrutinize so much about our musical world in as many facets as we can.
Worst rock and roll movie: Granted, I’m not an expert on the movies yet, but in my findings so far, none have been worse than Spinout starring Elvis Presley. Holes in the storyline, flat characters, bad dialogue. Some may not actually consider this a rock and roll movie though, since it wasn’t about rock and roll itself, or even in part really. It just happened to star the King of Rock And Roll and features some badly written songs.
Worst show about music: Many have been good and groundbreaking shows. One is groundbreaking alright, but definitely no good. Unfortunately, it’s still on the air. “American Idol” continues to give us blasé sap that bores holes into our brains, and probably even our teeth. The show’s egotism within itself and those who make it past the first round gives it repulsiveness unlike any other. I can’t wait until a winner’s debut single flops, and they just scream and berate the buying public with words along the lines of “But you HAVE to like me! I’m the American Idol!!” Very little of my vitriol for the show is aimed at the three most famous people involved with the show, surprisingly. Simon Cowell is a good producer, and good producers are not known for mincing words. Nonetheless, I do look forward to the day when he collapses under the weight of his own smugness. Paula Abdul is already getting her just desserts, and Randy will fade away, only to be later gossiped about by LeToya. Most of all, I hate that the show isn’t even about the music, primarily. It’s about marketability. Which acts can we market? Though I don’t watch regularly, I’ve seen acts close to rejection for being overweight, over 25 years old, or singing the “wrong” style of music. This show is quickly becoming its own farce, and needs to be canceled.
Worst premise for a song: Songs usually try to tell a story, but some just start on absurd premises. The worst that I have encountered has got to be “Tight Fittin’ Jeans” by Conway Twitty. From 1981, this is a song about a man who fulfills a society woman’s dream to be a good ol’ boy’s girl, even if for just a night. As the lyrics say “She said, ‘I married money/I’m used to wearing pearls/But I’ve always wanted to be/Just a good ol’ boy’s girl.’” Let’s get one thing clear here, folks: a woman who marries money does so to ensure that she is never, ever, EVER mistaken for a redneck woman. She does not want to be a good ol’ boy’s girl, unless that good ol’ boy is Jed Clampett, post-Texas tea discovery. The song would be decent, if not for this sad basis for the lyrics.
Worst phraseology in a song: This one kind of ran close. Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” has some fractured lines, but the big raspberry goes to Kimberly Locke’s “I Could.” First of all, it’s hard to remember the title because it’s not really used as a hook, but even worse are the emphasized syllables in the chorus: “DO you really want/TO give your life to/Thinking you’ve found true love/WHEN it hasn’t FOUND you.” What the hell? Try speaking that sentence normally accenting those words. It’s just plain wrong! And worse, because it’s the chorus, it gets repeated over and over! Just so irritating.
Worst analogy in a song: This one, sadly, is from one of my favorite artists, too. Paul McCartney was really solid in the ‘70s. I could name off several songs that you don’t know kick ass from the former Beatle. “Arrow Through Me” is not one of them. His last hit of the ‘70s included the terrible analogy of “You couldn’t have found a more down hero/If you started at nothing and counted to zero.” Assuming this is a boxing analogy, what the heck is he talking about? Starting with nothing and counting to zero happens pretty damn quick! Anyone can be down for that long. You couldn’t be that badly incapacitated on account of this woman if that’s all the time you’re counting! A nice try for the rhyme, but no.
Poorest excuse for humor in a musical album: While my choice is an obscure one, there really is no competition for this one. Tip Jar’s album “Give ‘Til It Hurts” goes for humor that even South Park wouldn’t dare use. With lyrics like “Hush little baby, tell you why/Daddy drinks because you cry,” and “You’re different, and that’s bad” and the oh-so-flattering words about the Holy Mother, “She sells sex down by the seashore,” Tip Jar clearly prides themselves on being over-the-top crude. Too bad they can’t pride themselves on being funny.
Worst overdubs added: Imagine a brilliant piece of music, smooth, wonderfully sung, lyrics that reflect the nostalgic yet optimistic-for-the-future philosophies of some of the elderly. Now imagine that awesome piece of music crapped on in attempt to revamp it by adding Kenny G’s sax to it. That’s what happened to Louis B. Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World.”
Worst engineering on a reissue: When Rolling Stones fans heard the news about “Forty Licks” coming out, they were excited. Then they heard “Forty Licks.” They were pissed. At least I know I was. The production quality on this was so crappy and sub-standard, that I actually thought I was listening to new re-recordings done by Mick and the boys. Well, I wasn’t, but Allan Klein and company has a great deal to answer for.
Worst production of a new song: Part of what has made supergroups effective in their campaigns, is that the artists get into the studio together to record a song. They show that this is so important, that they get together, despite egos and style differences, and record a song to champion it. Even with the Live 8 concerts, held at various points across the globe, it was a coordinated effort. Someone forgot to tell Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon this when they assembled the Peace Choir to cover John’s “Give Peace A Chance.” This did not sound like a bunch of musicians getting together for a project. It sounded like various artists recording clips of their parts, and sending them to Yoko, whereupon they were spliced together. Instead of sounding like an orchestrated effort for peace, it sounded like a Buchanan & Goodman type record, only without whimsy.
Worst music periodical: Having read through many of their lists, undoubtedly, Blender magazine. Seriously, in a move of “let’s blame the original genius for the bad knock-offs that followed” they named Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band as one of the fifty worst things to happen to music ever. Seriously? What utter balderdash. I can never take that magazine seriously again.
Worst usage of a featured instrument: A featured instrument can really make a song, except when that featured instrument is a slide whistle. For a painful example, I submit Chubby Checker’s “The Jet.” Chubby Checker sang many a song about dances, even some that didn’t exist, or were just imitations of other dances already out there. I don’t know what the Jet was, and after hearing how the slide whistle was used, I never want to know. It’s a nice idea, sort of concretely poetic, to use a slide whistle to conjure the idea of a jet ascending skyward. The trouble is twofold though: one, they use the whistle every time they sing “Do the Jet;” two, the chorus, which is sung two or three times, includes the phrased “Do the Jet” roughly eight to ten times. You see how quickly that gets annoying?
Worst dance with a song specifically written for it: This almost inherently makes it a sixties song (though Safety Dance is a candidate), and you’d be in the right decade. I give you the Flake. “Do The Flake” was a throwaway track from Gary Lewis And The Playboys, and it’s a forgettable enough track. Then, I happened to come along a photo of the single describing how to do this dance. The Flake was a dance (and the subsequent song) under the corporate sponsorship of Kellogg’s cereal. Oh yes, and part of the dance included holding one hand like it was under a bowl, and bringing the other arm from above your head like you were pouring Kellogg’s Corn Flakes into the bowl! What a fun dance! Having found this out, I will never eat Corn Flakes again (though Frosted Flakes are still acceptable), and I skip this song whenever I listen to the CD.
Worst Christmas song: I know people that hate all Christmas music. I happen to love it. Every year, I get into it. From the London Symphony Orchestra and Chorale performing Handel’s “Messiah” to Britney Spears’ “My Only Wish (This Year),” to even “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” by Elmo And Patsy. However, one song, I actually turn down the volume in the studio when it comes up. “Christmas Shoes” by Newsong is a sappy song about a kid who wants to buy their mom new shoes before she dies. If you haven’t been exposed to this supposed-to-be-heart-wrenching-but-actually-gut-retching, trite piece of crap, consider yourself lucky. P.S. A close second is Lord Douglas Byron’s “Surfin’ Santa,” but that song doesn’t appear like the inevitable fruitcake every year.
Worst novelty song: Novelty songs are supposed to make us laugh, not make us widen our eyes and gape our mouths in abject horror, like Susan Christie’s “I Love Onions” does. So many things wrong with this one: a kazoo as the lead instrument in the first few seconds, a nerve-shredding and mind-grating tune that is also an extremely infectious earworm (once it gets in your head, it gets stuck but good), a horrible chorus that’s badly written, a bridge featuring a nerdy and professorial male voice giving scientific facts about the onion, and a lousy Elmer Fudd impersonation at the very end. The only thing about this song that doesn’t suck is Susan Christie’s voice. As you value your soul, stay away from this song.
Worst cover of a song: And again, a category with so many to choose from. I have to spread this one out though. Different covers of the same song. When the Mamas and the Papas recorded “California Dreamin,’” it was the beginning of a great career. Unfortunately every version of this song since has been crap. It’s been a bad lite rock song, an ethereal but lousy electronica track, and even the Beach Boys’ couldn’t do this song justice. For the love of all that is holy, please leave this masterpiece by the Mamas and the Papas alone.
Worst original that was thankfully covered: What do James Taylor, Del Shannon, and Jimmy Jones all have in common? They all did covers of a song that was better than the original. You may have never heard of the Sparks Of Rhythm, and there’s a reason. They cut the original version of “Handy Man,” a version that is just plain creepy. For lyrics that are about a guy who helps women on the rebound, the song is delivered in a way that comes off as sexually predatory. Maybe that’s how some guys are, who catch women on the rebound, but they aren’t transparently ominous like this song is.
Worst hairdo: Do I give this one to a hair metal band? To A Flock Of Seagulls? The Crew Cuts? Bono’s ‘80s Irish mullet? No! In fact the worst hairstyle in rock and roll belongs on the head of Rod Stewart. It seldom has looked brushed, and usually looks like he styled it by sticking his head in a dryer. Here’s a joke for you: how can you tell if Rod Stewart has had electroshock therapy? Yeah, beats me too.
Worst fashion: Another one that could just as easily go to a hair-metal band, but doesn’t. Teenybopper hip-hoppers Kris Kross had a blatant gimmickry of wearing everything backwards, most notably their pants. I remember how many of my classmates tried to imitate this style. Boy did they look stupid trying to use the urinals at the start of recess.
Worst hair metal band: Again, I know people who’d say each and every one of them, but I happen to appreciate hair metal. It’s my inner Midwesterner. Sue me. But which one is truly deserving of the title of worst hair metal band? Part of the allure of hair metal was that it was different from the new wave and synth pop and disco. Unfortunately, one group decided to blend synth pop with hair metal, and the disastrous result was Whitesnake. Their two big hits, “Here I Go Again” and “Is This Love” had edge to them, but the edges were dulled by the synth pop blended into them. Even monster balladeers Firehouse never betrayed the genre this much.
Worst execution of a well-intentioned idea: Harry Kasey was a record shop worker who got sick of his idiot clientele. Frequently asked to identify songs based on either a lyric, often a misheard one, or by a hummed chord or line, perhaps off-key, he decided to do something about it. He formed his own band, and proceeded to record songs where the title or main hook of the song was repeated ad nauseum, so there could never be any confusion as to what song it was they wanted. Such a noble thought. Too bad the result was KC And The Sunshine Band.
Worst criminalization of an act: Which act has historically been treated the worst by music history, and unfairly so? There are a couple close contenders, but I’m gonna take the unpopular opinion and say Pat Boone has this one. Considered a bigger thief to the Black man than Elvis Presley, coupled with a squeaky clean persona, Pat Boone’s accomplishments as a gifted singer, a groundbreaking variety show host, record label owner, racial gap bridge builder, and rock ‘n’ roller in general have all been lost in sacrifice to both the gods of political correctness and the devils of the hedonistic lifestyle that rock ‘n’ roll is supposed to embody.
Worst misnomer: The name of a band nowadays often indicates the kind of music they play. From Black Sabbath to Smashing Pumpkins to C + C Music Factory, the name of a band can often give good insight into the style of a band. Every once in awhile, though, there is an incongruity. While Packaged Bliss is a strong contender, it really is a highly subjective opinion of mine based on an incredible disaster of a gig. However, the worst such case has to be Savage Garden. “Savage” as the first word in the name would really indicate a rock band of sorts. Instead, they have made some of the wimpiest, dingiest, softest lite rock ever recorded. Truly, madly, deeply, is how much I believe they should have come up with a more fitting name, like the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
Worst supergroup: They really do not get mocked enough. Few have been great, but none have been worse than the Jones Gang. How bad could a group be that is fronted by a member of the Who? How quickly does your answer change when you learn that said member is Kenny Jones, the guy who replaced Keith Moon after his death? Wow, that quick huh? Also including members of Foreigner and Bad Company, you think there’d be a chance to halt the train of crap, but as the lame “Angel” proved, some crap trains just have no brakes.
Worst girl group: Girl groups often feature awesome vocal harmonies. Unfortunately, there are also the Dixie Chicks. With pieces of crap along the lines of “Wide Open Spaces,” “Goodbye Earl,” and “I Shouldn’t Be Wearing White If You Can’t Afford No Ring,” the Dixie Chicks have twice grabbed desperately at straws by insulting the president. The problem with that is, I’ve seen them on game shows, and no matter how dumb Bush may or may not be, the Dixie Chicks haven’t got a dozen brain cells between the three of them. They may be ashamed to be from the same state as the president, but the state that gave us Buddy Holly, the Bobby Fuller Four, and Roy Orbison should be ashamed that their great state spawned these three rejects from the funny farm.
Worst album: It’s not often that every track on an entire album sucks, so it’s understandable if you’ve never heard of this album. Denali’s self-titled album sounds like Bjork stood out in a blizzard and laid down new tracks. At first, I thought, it’s got to get better, but by the end of it, I was banging the floor begging to the gods of cheap entertainment to make it stop.
Worst group: You know, I had to ponder this one for a long time. I almost chose Foreigner, because I truly hate them. I almost chose REO Speedwagon, much to the chagrin of Area51Escapee, but I just couldn’t justify it. What I’m left with, therefore, is ‘80s group Human League. The terrible outputs of "Don't You Want Me Baby" and "Human" are inexcusable crimes upon humanity.
Worst duo: Duos don’t often get considered groups, so I give them their own heading here as well. This also made choosing the worst group difficult, since so many acts I loathe are either solo artists or duos. For duos, I really thought about Air Supply and Tears For Fears, but neither of them are as bad as that of Daryl Hall And John Oates. From atrocities like “One On One” and “Kiss On My List” among others, they’ve practically been a non-stop crapfest.
Worst female vocal: I’ve heard songs by those who were marketed on the sheer fact that they were tone deaf. Even they sound better than Anita Ward’s voice. The schoolteacher turned disco diva did civilization a disfavor when she recorded the 1978 #1 hit “Ring My Bell.” Awful awful awful awful. That simple. That bad. Fortunately, she never came close to the Top Forty ever again.
Worst male vocal: Plenty of bad male singers out there, so what’s the worst? It would have to be the tone deaf William Hung. Kicked out of American Idol, he rode the wave of his suckitude to horrible heights.
Worst song: The worst song ever recorded? It’s flat and tinny, sung badly, bad lyrics, and a music video that was a borderline homoerotic train wreck that you couldn’t turn away from though you wanted nothing more desperately. Worst of all, it spent ten weeks at #1. This loathsome, disgusting, vile, malevolent, putrid, intolerable, vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, perverted, plague upon the musical society is none other than Olivia-Newton John’s “Physical.”
Worst artist: The worst artist is without a doubt, the person who called losing their virginity a professional decision. Before her, artists who had sex appeal also had talent, but she ushered in a new age of “artists” that proved that the latter was not so important after all. One terrible song after another; one patently shocking stunt after another. As a kid, I used to listen to the radio. Her song “Justify My Love” is the very first song I ever remember having heard on the radio and NOT liking. After that came “Vogue.” I didn’t like that one either. The more I learned about her the more I despise her. None worse than her, and by now you’ve figured out whom I’m talking about. The one and only Madonna.
Worst ego: I don’t know how many strong candidates there really are for this one. But I couldn’t think of one that’s worse than Prince. He’s an anal retentive prick who really takes himself far too seriously. This asshole has even repeatedly turned down Weird Al’s polite requests to parody his songs! Sure Madonna, Michael Stipe, and Kurt Cobain all took themselves seriously as artists, yet “Like A Surgeon,” “Spam,” and “Smells Like Nirvana” all came about peaceably. Perfectionist is one thing. Overly pretentious is another. Prince is both of those and so much more.
Worst person: As bad as all that I’ve mentioned, there is one person who is above all others. The worst person ever to pollute the world of music is none other than Col. Tom Parker. The unfeeling, money-grubbing, usurping asshole of Col. Parker may have made the career of Elvis Presley, but also brought it down, down, down. Parker blackballed esteemed songwriters Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller from ever getting to pitch their songs to Elvis again after they bypassed Parker and got to the King without his help. The control freak chose scripts for Elvis’s movies, and was never there for Elvis as a friend, especially during the ‘70s, when Elvis needed some badly, and found them in the likes of fellow performers, such as Perry Como. Everything that is wrong with agents and managers is ultimately to be found in the asshole of Colonel Tom Parker.
