Tim Green: Tonight, we reach the end of the road. Tonight, two go in and only comes out. Tonight, we crown the champions.
Bil Dwyer: In the Lightweight Division, two modern legends, Underall and Sovereign put it all out there in the Battlebox. Meanwhile, The Thwacking Head and Shovearound 2.5 are newcomers to the finals and promise a good showdown to crown a Middleweight champion.
Tim: Heavyweights Riot Control and The Dark Side Of Cupid are two rookies who’ve dominated the scene, each vying for the Giant Nut. And in the Superheavyweight Division, it’s legend Copperhead versus rookie upstart Drive. This… is Advanced Robot Combat.
(montage of bots and clips of fights over a bed of the Stooges’ “Search And Destroy” scrolls through the screen, visuals settling on the Advanced Robot Combat logo)
(panoramic sweep of the San Francisco scene)Tim: Welcome to Treasure Island, in glorious San Francisco, as the road to the Giant Nut concludes tonight. Hello everyone, I’m Tim Green, and with me is the always charming and exuberant Bil Dwyer.
Bil: Exuberant about robot carnage? Always. Let’s get right down to our first final, in the Lightweight Division. Underall. If you’re still standing and not hiding, it’s because you don’t know the name. A former champion who wants the throne back, Underall is sporting the thwack and wedge combo, and so far, nothing has been able to stop it.
But Sovereign is looking to change all that. Team Omegaforce has brought back this stalwart, and has managed to bring it all the way to the finals. Fellow builders usually rely on team captain John Garrison’s penchant for being unable to complete a season, but they haven’t gotten lucky this season.
Tim: The battle of the giants, the clash of the Titans… and these are just the Lightweights. Mark Beiro has our introductions.
(cut and sweep across the auditorium to center arena, where Mark Beiro stands with microphone)Mark Beiro: This is an Advanced Robot Combat Final in the Lightweight Division! Introducing, in the Red Square to my right: he’ll pound you like a schilling or a pence, all on his way to taking the crown! Here is… SOVEREIGN!!!
(audience applauds)Tim: That intro should go over great with our growing British contingency.
Mark: And in the Blue Square: no matter how high you rise, you eventually will fall, everyone will be tripped up by… UNDERALL!!!
(audience applauds)Bil: Team Hunga captain Dylan Pommer has said that if he wins this fight, he’ll retire Underall. If not, he’ll be back.
Tim: The box is locked, the lights are on, it’s robot fighting time!!
Bil: Our first final is underway!
Tim: Underall coming out quickly, trying to get positioned to take on Sovereign. Sovereign charging fearlessly at Underall. Underall now spins to thwack Sovereign!
Bil: But he missed! Thwack attacks like that are hard to time, and when you miss, you give your opponent a chance to take advantage of you.
Tim: And that is exactly what Sovereign is doing right now. He’s behind Underall, pushing and he’s taking him to the Killsaws!
Bil: It looks like he’s going to try and hold him on the saws. It’s not a great hold, either, but it’s doing the trick.
Tim: Now Sovereign is using his hammer and he’s hitting Underall as well!
Bil: But he losing control of Underall in the process. The grip is getting looser.
(circle with headshot of Bill Nye appears in corner of screen)Bill Nye: Sovereign’s hammer, and in fact his main body, are connected to the drive axle. In order to swing the hammer, Sovereign has to shift in reverse. That means, to hit, he has to back up, which in turn, backs him off and away from Underall a little bit with each swing.
(circle with headshot of Bill Nye disappears)Tim: Thank-you, Bill Nye. Ever a fount of information. And that is exactly what has happened. Underall has broken free, and he is trying to make up ground.
Bil: Underall is moving fast now. He lost almost thirty seconds while the Killsaws and Sovereign were having their ways with him.
Tim: Underall now under Sovereign, but Sovereign driving over and off. But now Underall spins and he hits him!!
Bil: He didn’t miss him that time! They were too close together for that.
Tim: Sovereign, spun by that hit, now trying to work under Underall again, but Underall spins again and hits him again!
Bil: Dangerous strategy by Underall. In order to hit him, he’s got to let him get close. Seems to be working, though.
Tim: Underall is under Sovereign now, but Sovereign backing up over Underall, firing the hammer in the process.
Bil: I don’t think he necessarily meant to fire the hammer, but it happens whenever he drives in reverse.
Tim: Sovereign to the side of Underall, and Underall spins again and hits Sovereign!
Bil: And you can see now what all that has done to Sovereign. He’s now upside-down.
Tim: Sovereign trying to re-right himself, but Underall getting under him and pushing him around. Oh! But Sovereign drives over the back end of Underall, trips himself up on the tail, and has now flipped himself aright again!
Bil: That was a tricky driving move, and would probably work one time in twenty.
Tim: Sovereign now under Underall. And he’s pushing him into the Pulverizer! Underall, taking hits from the Pulverizer!
Bil: Gotta love it when the Pulverizer comes into play. It’s a beautiful thing!
Tim: Sovereign not firing his own hammer now. He’s letting Pete Lambertson’s hammers do all the work.
(buzzer sounds) Bil: Oh, it’s over already! My, how three minutes fly by!
Tim: Time flies when robots die. Bil, give us the replays on this one.
Bil: Sovereign taking control early in this one. Putting Underall on the Killsaws. Then Underall spinning and giving Sovereign a thorough beating with his tail… again… and again. Then Sovereign gets the last say with the Pulverizer.
Tim: Tough, close fight. Mark Beiro has the judges’ decision.
(cut to center arena, where the refs stand with both teams, as Mark Beiro announces)Mark: The three judges at arenaside has turned in a twenty-five to twenty decision for the winner, and Advanced Robot Combat: Reckoning Lightweight champion… THE BLUE SQUARE, UNDERALL!!
Tim: Listen to this crowd! Talk about a mixed reaction. But it was a close decision, and that tends to happen with the close ones. Bil, how did the judges score it?
Bil: Sovereign managed to take the Damage category by a ten to five margin, but Underall took Strategy by a twelve to three margin, and managed to squeak by in Aggression, eight to seven. In the end, a very close twenty-five to twenty result.
Tim: Traci Bingham is with the champ.
(cut to backstage with Traci Bingham and Dylan Pommer)Traci Bingham: Now that was a very close fight. How did you feel when they announced the score, even before they named you the winner?
Dylan Pommer: I was nervous. Hazards are always a crowd pleaser, and they look good with the judges, and Sovereign used the hazards whereas I didn’t. I thought that might have spelled disaster for me.
Traci: Now, is it true that Underall is going to retire, having peaked once again?
Dylan: That’s kind of what I’m thinking. Although, if I’m having trouble designing a new Lightweight, Underall might be back. I hope I can design something new though. That’d be cool.
Traci: Almost as cool as reclaiming your title. Congratulations.
Dylan: Thanks, Traci.
(cut to Jason and Randy Sklar with John Garrison)Jason Sklar: It seems like you did just about everything you could have done in that fight. Is there anything you think you might have done differently to win?
John Garrison: Boy, I don’t know. I think if I could have put in a couple more hammer hits, or maybe have gotten under him one more time, it might have been different but it’s hard to say.
Randy Sklar: A close loss here, and you’ve still got a Superheavyweight final. Is this going to weigh on your mind during that event?
John: No, I can’t let it. Copperhead’s going to have his hands full with Drive, and I’m going to be too busy to think about this loss here. It’ll take some effort, but when I take Copperhead into the arena, all my focus will be on that fight, not this one.
Jason: Well, awesome effort here, and good luck with Copperhead.
John: Thanks guys.
(cut back to the studio with Bil and Tim)Bil: There’s nothing like having another fight coming to help you forget about this one.
Tim: It’s like we used to do it in the NFL. Forget about that game and focus on your next event. And when we come back, that’s exactly what we will do. The Middleweight final. The Thwacking Head versus Shovearound 2.5. Don’t touch that dial.
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the camera fades out to commercial)
(two-and-a-half minutes of commercials play)
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the show returns, with a shot of the shoreline by the bay)Bil: San Francisco: pull up a dock by the bay, and have a sit.
(cut back to Bil and Tim in the studio)Tim: Welcome back everybody, and if you’re just tuning in, you just missed two juggernaut lightweights have the showdown of the century, but now we’re onto the Middleweights. Bil, what can you tell us?
Bil: That “juggernaut lightweights” is an oxymoron, but I digress. The Thwacking Head is an overhead thwack bot, very similar to Sovereign, but with a scooping plow instead of a wedge, so if this bot can fight like Sovereign, this should be an amazing fight.
But it takes another amazing bot to have an amazing fight. Which brings us to Shovearound 2.5. And if that name rings a bell, it should. Shovearound has been around in some form for a while now, but it’s taken until now for it to even get to the finals. It’s been redesigned a few times, and with some more practice in driving and strategy design, Shovearound 2.5 finally got his card filled for the big dance.
Tim: It is indeed the big dance, and the bots are in their squares. So for this square dance, here’s our caller, Mark Beiro.
(cut and sweep across the auditorium to center arena, where Mark Beiro stands with microphone)Mark: This fight will determine the Advanced Robot Combat Reckoning Middleweight championship! Introducing, in the Red Square to my right: after laying low for the longest time, this lifter looms large to leave you in the lurch! Introducing… SHOVEAROUND 2.5!!!
(applause from the audience)Tim: Just look at him. Can you believe this was once a non-invertible bot that got knocked out by getting flipped over… by Warper of all opponents!?
Mark: And in the Blue Square: flipping a coin gives you a roughly fifty percent chance of tails landing on top, which is about fifty percent chance more than you have of topping… THE THWACKING HEAD!!!
(more applause from the audience)
Bil: The Thwacking Head almost didn’t make the quarterfinals after team captain Martijn Benschop had a sudden emergency. Fortunately, he got back in time to make it to the finals.
Tim: The box is locked the lights are on, it’s robot fighting time!
Bil: Wow! And Shovearound 2.5 is not wasting any time here!
Tim: Shovearound 2.5 going straight into The Thwacking Head. You can see the forks getting lowered on Shovearound 2.5. He’s trying to get under the plow of The Thwacking Head. He’s getting under and starting to lift, but oh! The Thwacking Head fires the hammer, and hits Shovearound 2.5, and gets away cleanly.
Bil: Now, I think in the builder’s circle, they refer to that kind of hammering action as an “overhead thwack.” It’s powered by the drive train, and not a separate source. So like a traditional thwack, just vertical.
Tim: Well, that overhead thwacking is exactly what The Thwacking Head is doing. He’s trying to hit and run on Shovearound 2.5.
Bil: And that’s called “stick and move.”
Tim: It’s called good fighting. But Shovearound 2.5 isn’t stopping his advances. Those overhead thwacks are more of a delay than a cold stop. He’s just pursuing The Thwacking Head relentlessly. The Thwacking Head trying to get around the lifting forks of Shovearound 2.5. Bil, it looks like he’s trying to get to the sides of Shovearound 2.5.
Bil: I think that’s exactly what he’s doing. I don’t know how the judges are going to see that though. Yeah, he’s trying to gain an upper hand here, but it’s not an easy trick, especially since Shovearound 2.5 is about the same speed as he is. On the other hand, he’s slowing Shovearound 2.5’s advances and eating up valuable clock time.
Tim: The Thwacking Head not really getting to the side of Shovearound 2.5, and there’s another hammering hit! Excuse me, overhead thwack.
Bil: Yeah, it looks like The Thwacking Head realized he wasn’t going to get to Shovearound 2.5’s side, so he just took what he could get, a nice hit on the top of his adversary’s body.
Tim: Shovearound 2.5 now getting under the plow,
Tim: Oh and he gets under even further and flips The Thwacking Head! Shovearound 2.5 now pushing The Thwacking Head to the nearest Killsaws, and The Thwacking Head is eating blades!
Bil: This is what Shovearound 2.5 wanted to do. It hasn’t been easy, but he’s finally been able to take advantage of The Thwacking Head. The Thwacking Head, by the way, making a driving error there. We haven’t seen him do that much this season, and this could be crucial.
Tim: Oh, and The Thwacking Head is sent flying by the Killsaws!!
Bil: Middleweights in flight, afternoon delight!
Tim: Shovearound 2.5 chasing after The Thwacking Head. The Thwacking Head is now spinning, and he lands a nasty thwack on the side of Shovearound 2.5.
Bil: Now that’s not The Thwacking Head’s forte, but the head on his arm there is designed to do that. And he landed right side up when the Killsaws threw him, so we’ll see.
Tim: Less than twenty seconds to go in this fight, and Bil, it seemed like this was The Thwacking Head’s fight, but after that flip, I don’t know.
Bil: Well, he’s not out of it yet. He’s spinning madly, and he’s landing some decent hits as a traditional thwack, but you’re right: Shovearound 2.5 getting that flip is a big thing. Might be too little too late, though.
(buzzer sounds)Tim: And this fight is in the books!
Bil: You can see, both drivers are a little nervous at this point, and looking at the replays, you can see why. Shovearound 2.5 definitely very aggressive in this fight, constantly charging after The Thwacking Head. But The Thwacking Head landing some nice overhead blows… until he gets flipped… and thrown by the Killsaws. Then he lands some solid side blows.
Tim: Let’s hear what the judges had to say about this one.
(cut to center arena, where the refs stand with both teams, as Mark Beiro announces)Mark: The three judges at arenaside have turned in a twenty-six to nineteen decision for the winner, and Advanced Robot Combat: Reckoning Middleweight champion… THE BLUE SQUARE, THE THWACKING HEAD!
Tim: And The Thwacking Head has triumphed. Bil, care to break down that score?
Bil: My pleasure. The Thwacking Head’s vertical and horizontal thwacks gave him the Damage category, nine to six. Shovearound 2.5’s tenacity at hunting down his opponent gave him the Aggression category, also nine to six. But it was that elusive Strategy category deciding this one, as The Thwacking Head dominated there, eleven to four. By my arithmetic, that crowns The Thwacking Head, twenty-six to nineteen.
Tim: Jason and Randy Sklar with the victors.
(cut to Jason and Randy Sklar standing with Martijn Benschop)Jason: Not bad for a rookie effort, wouldn’t you say?
Martijn Benschop: Oh ya, definitely. Not just a championship, but to have had another bot in the semifinals. I am definitely very happy.
Randy: Now it’s your turn to be in the crosshairs for next season. You plan to enjoy it?
Martijn: Only until next season starts. There will be a lot of good competitors next season, so you can’t get too comfortable. It all restarts at zero after this.
Jason: Alright, well enjoy it while it lasts, okay?
Martijn: Will do.
(cut to Traci Bingham with Anthony Politzi)Traci: Twenty-six to nineteen. I thought it was closer than that.
Anthony Politzi: Yeah I did too. Especially in the Strategy category. I guess my driving looked a little too erratic at times to really secure too many points.
Traci: Was it?
Anthony: Towards the end of the fight, my thumbs were a little sweaty, as you might expect, so controlling it did get a little harder. It was a very exciting match, and I’m glad to have made it to the finals this season. No Nut yet for my team, but I’m one step closer.
Traci: Getting to the finals… gotta be the highlight of the season.
Anthony: Well, second, after getting to meet and talk to you.
Traci: Aw, thanks. Guys?
(cut back to Bil and Tim in the studio)Bil: And who says nerds can’t be charming?
Tim: Who says all roboteers are nerds?
Bil: Well, they all gotta be, even if a little bit. But it’s a good thing!
Tim: It is a good thing. And it was a good match. And when we come back, we’ll have a quick sit-down with three people who have the honor and duty of scoring fights, and then, the Heavyweight final. This… is Advanced Robot Combat.
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the camera fades out to commercial)
(two-and-a-half minutes of commercials play)
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the show returns)Bil: For more information about Advanced Robot Combat, go to drowningcity.com.
Tim: Welcome back everybody. We’re halfway through our finals, but before we get to the Heavyweights, Bil Dwyer is with the three men who’ll be judging that fight to get a little insight into the adjudicating process. Bil?
(quick cut to Bil sitting at a table with Alex MacWilliams, Josh Noel, and Philip Bergman)Bil: Thanks Tim. We’re here with the judges for the next fight: Alex MacWilliams, Josh Noel, and Philip Bergman. In addition to being judges, you’re also roboteers, so you know especially how the three categories of Aggression, Damage, and Strategy work in both theory and practice. Now Alex, since you’re known for your rammers, let’s talk Aggression. Traditionally, the faster bot is viewed as the more aggressive. What can a slower bot like The Dark Side Of Cupid do to earn points in this category?
Alex MacWilliams: Well, The Dark Side Of Cupid is probably going to go straight for the Knockout, but even in one that goes the distance, a bot like The Dark Side Of Cupid may choose to forgo Aggression in favor of Damage and Strategy. Still, and to answer your question, Riot Control isn’t too much faster, first of all. Also, taking advantage of any opportunity, like to hit a side or capitalize on an awkward swipe will merit serious Aggression consideration.
Bil: Okay. Now Josh, onto you now. Damage isn’t as straightforward as it sounds, is it?
Josh Noel: Sometimes it is. And this fight actually looks to be pretty straightforward. Riot Control is poised to be at a serious disadvantage in this fight; however, if he can take out The Dark Side Of Cupid’s weapon and still be able to move his puncher a little bit, or if The Dark Side Of Cupid is having trouble driving at the end of the fight, Riot Control can rack up the points in the Damage category.
Bil: All right. Now Philip, you’re considered a pretty good strategist in the community, so I wanted to ask you, what exactly is Strategy?
Philip Bergman: “What exactly is Strategy?” A question a child might ask, but hardly a childish question. No, seriously though, Strategy usually yields itself in terms of who’s in control of the fight. Whoever seems to have the upper hand at any given moment will generally be thought as in control, thus earning Strategy points. But of course, that’s not always true. That’s why, as a judge, when in comes to Strategy, you’ve got to determine what it is a bot is or was trying to do, whether or not it worked, and if that worked to their benefit. Sometimes a plan of action plays right into your opponent’s hands, or just doesn’t do anything at all. And if that doesn’t sound hard enough, keep in mind that a judge has to do all of that on the fly. We don’t get any replay like the home audience does. Those three minutes are all we get.
Alex: And what’s more, is that we have to determine all three categories. I don’t handle just Aggression. I have to judge Strategy and Damage, as well as Aggression, as do Josh and Philip.
Bil: And it sounds like being a judge isn’t an enviable job.
Philip: That’s why we have unlisted numbers.
Josh: I thought your number was five one s—
Philip: Shut up!
Josh: Ahh! Nevermind!
Bil: Alright guys, thanks. Now it’s time for you three to go to work. Riot Control versus The Dark Side Of Cupid. Mark Beiro has the introductions.
(cut and sweep across the auditorium to center arena, where Mark Beiro stands with microphone)Mark: Welcome to the Advanced Robot Combat Reckoning Heavyweight championship fight! Introducing, in the Red Square to my right: when February has come and gone, the winged wooer spends time dipping his arrow tips in cyanide, and that’s still not as evil as this bot. Here is… THE DARK SIDE OF CUPID!!!
(audience applauds)Tim: The Dark Side Of Cupid got to the finals on a forfeit. Has it gotten complacent in that time? We’ll find out.
Mark: And in the Blue Square: this bot is used to dealing with Cedar Village in East Lansing, Michigan during March Madness, so it’s perfectly qualified to kick your ass! Give it up for… RIOT CONTROL!!!
(audience applauds)Bil: Riot Control’s spikes on the top and the bottom are for holding onto opponents, but so far this season, they haven’t come into play too much.
Tim: The box is locked, the lights are on, it’s finals fighting time!
Bil: The Heavyweight final! Let’s do it!
Tim: Riot Control looking to do it as is The Dark Side Of Cupid. Riot Control trying to circle The Dark Side Of Cupid, but The Dark Side Of Cupid is managing to keep that dangerous disc pointed at Riot Control and at full speed.
Bil: These are both very big bots, so if Riot Control is going to circle The Dark Side Of Cupid, he’s got a lot of ground to cover.
Tim: Riot Control moving in now, and oh! A hit from The Dark Side Of Cupid’s disc.
Bil: I guess he didn’t have such a clear shot after all!
Tim: Oh, but he does now. That hit spun The Dark Side Of Cupid, and Riot Control is at his side, and he’s pushing right into the wall!
Bil: That’s a good way to recover after a hit like that: ram him into the wall.
Tim: Riot Control going to work with his punching weapon now, punching The Dark Side Of Cupid against the Spike Strip and the lexan wall.
Bil: But with each hit, he’s slightly nudging The Dark Side Of Cupid away, not to mention the way The Dark Side Of Cupid is wriggling to get free there. We saw this earlier in the Lightweight final.
Tim: The Dark Side Of Cupid is indeed wriggling to get free, looking to bring that big disc into play, and he does it there! Oh! He got the disc into Riot Control there!
Bil: And you’ll note The Dark Side Of Cupid had nowhere to get spun that time, so Riot Control isn’t going to get the angle he had last time.
Tim: The Dark Side Of Cupid coming in again, and he hits again! And there goes a wheel off of Riot Control!
Bil: Now those wheels don’t come off very easily, but the spikes on the wheels give a good place to grab and get some leverage. Not to mention that that is just one really powerful weapon there!
Tim: Riot Control, maneuvering slightly shakily now, but still very much in this fight. The Dark Side Of Cupid moving in, trying to angle in, and he got the other front wheel! Wow! What a shot.
Bil: Exposed wheels are bait for a bot like The Dark Side Of Cupid. And he is not afraid to bite.
Tim: Riot Control, still on his four back wheels, and still charging. Now using the hinged wedge on the rear there.
Bil: This isn’t a bad idea here. Riot Control’s plow isn’t really designed to be a spinner killer. After a plow, a good wedge is the best spinner killer.
Tim: Riot Control going after The Dark Side Of Cupid with his wedge. And he pops The Dark Side Of Cupid with it!
Bil: You can see from the SlamCam there, I think The Dark Side Of Cupid got some air time from that hit.
Tim: Riot Control now taking The Dark Side Of Cupid to the Pulverizer, but The Dark Side Of Cupid’s disc is digging into another wheel on Riot Control. If he’s not careful, he’ll lose another one.
Bil: I don’t know about you, but I’d like to see that!
Tim: Riot Control has now got The Dark Side Of Cupid into the Pulverizer now, and once again, we see hammers falling.
Bil: But it never gets old. It’s always entertaining to see the Pulverzer go to work on any hapless bot.
Tim: The Dark Side Of Cupid hasn’t slowed down that disc though, and he’s got another wheel off! A third wheel!
Bil: Now the rules state that when half a drive train is incapacitated, the bot is knocked out, but Riot Control, while not balanced too well, is still maneuvering pretty well, so I think the referees are going to allow Riot Control to continue.
Tim: Riot Control backing off now, to let the Pulverizer do more.
Bil: I’d also add, that at this point his left side has only one wheel left on it. Lose that, and it’s over. You can bet The Dark Side Of Cupid will be trying to get that wheel.
Tim: We’ve crossed the two minute mark on this one, and The Dark Side Of Cupid getting out of the Pulverizer zone. Riot Control coming to slam him again. And the wedge is hit again!
Bil: We discussed this earlier. This is a slower bot like The Dark Side Of Cupid, struggling to get Aggression points. It’s late in the fight, and both bots are trying to make the big displays of power now.
Tim: Riot Control slamming The Dark Side Of Cupid into the Spike Strip again! But OH! Look at that!!
Bil: The last left wheel! What’d I tell you?
Tim: But The Dark Side Of Cupid isn’t moving anymore either!!
Bil: What happened was, when he tore the last left wheel off, the wheel hit the wall and floor, took a weird bounce, and rammed right under The Dark Of Cupid’s drive train like a wedge.
Tim: Neither bot is moving. Déjà vu, Bil?
Bil: I think so! Last season’s double knockouts making an encore.
Tim: The refs beginning the countdown—
(buzzer sounds)Tim: --But they won’t finish! Time ran out in this one before it could be declared a double knockout. So officially, this is not a double knockout, but it was a spectacular fight. Bil, how about some replays?
Bil: Riot Control, despite taking a nasty hit, manages to slam The Dark Side Of Cupid into the wall and pin him there. But The Dark Side Of Cupid would have his say not once, not twice, but four times, taking out four wheels, as well as damaging the wedge and plow on Riot Control. And of course, the Pulverizer.
Tim: Our judges have reached a verdict. Let’s find out what it was.
(cut to center arena, where the refs stand with both teams, as Mark Beiro announces)Mark: The three judges at arenaside have turned in a twenty-eight to seventeen decision, for the winner, and Advanced Robot Combat: Reckoning Heavyweight champion… THE RED SQUARE, THE DARK SIDE OF CUPID!
Tim: And there you have it! The only bot with a spinning weapon in any of the finals takes the Heavyweight crown. Bil, how did our three studio guests decide this one?
Bil: It was Riot Control with the slim edges in Aggression, nine to six, and Strategy, eight to seven. But even the Pulverizer blows didn’t land any Damage points to Riot Control, as The Dark Side Of Cupid sweeps that category, fifteen to zero.
Tim: With our champion, stand Jason and Randy Sklar.
(cut to Jason and Randy Sklar standing with Chris Schramm)Jason: Winning the title, does it ever get old for you?
Chris Schramm: I’ve been asked this before, and it’s the same answer every time. Never!
Randy: Now if the match had lasted about ten seconds longer, it would have been a double knockout. Are you at least glad it didn’t come to that?
Chris: I think everyone is. But it wouldn’t have changed the outcome any, I don’t think.
Jason: Well congratulations on another title.
Randy: Yeah, you better build a new trophy cabinet after this.
Chris: Thanks guys.
(cut to Traci Bingham standing by with Donnie Johnson)Traci: Riot Control’s a pretty unique design. How do you feel about its run this season?
Donnie Johnson: It was a pretty good run. Naturally, I’d have liked to have won the title, though.
Traci: Now, your wheels kept coming off there. Was that just the power of The Dark Side Of Cupid?
Donnie: Mostly. When you’re in the pits, you only have time to make the most necessary repairs to your bots, and the wheel mountings haven’t been much of a problem this season, so most of the fittings were untouched. Also, once a wheel comes off, it puts more strain on the others from uneven weight distribution, so it makes it easier to take the rest of them off. But yes, that is one powerful weapon.
Traci: Alright, well, we look forward to seeing what interesting designs you have in mind for next season. Best of luck with that.
Donnie: Thanks, Traci.
(cut back to the studio with Bil and Tim)Bil: What a fight that was. All the awesome destruction that we just can’t get enough of.
Tim: Three down, one to go. When we come back, the Superheavyweight final. Don’t go anywhere.
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the camera fades out to commercial)
(two-and-a-half minutes of commercials play)
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the show returns)Bil: When building a robot, as with everything, safety first. Always wear the appropriate safety gear when constructing anything.
Tim: Welcome back to Advanced Robot Combat. If you follow the sport, then you know that there are awards besides the Giant Nut. Bill Nye is standing by to announce the winners of those awards.
(BT’s “Hip-Hop Phenomena” plays as a bed for montage of Bill Nye poses) Bill: Every roboteer wants to win the Giant Nut. But even if you don’t, you can still win some pretty cool awards.
Like the Essayist Award, given to the season’s best strategist. Among the best were rookie Kody Kunz, as well as year-in-year-out favorites like John Garrison, Paul Ogin II and Philip Bergman. But it was Alex MacWilliams who showed the best overall strategies in the Battlebox and is the winner of this season’s Essayist Award.
The Astrodude Award is our rookie of the year award, and we had a handful of newcomers to the sport. Not all of them, like Liam Eliot were able to finish the season. The rest did, however. And a strong crop of rookies included Dan Stickler, Kody Kunz, and finalist Joey McConnell. But it is Middleweight champion Martijn Benschop that proved the best rookie and wins the Astrodude Award.
Similar to that is the Astrobot Award, which is the best rookie bot in competition. Now, even a veteran roboteer has a chance with this one, if he enters a new bot. Like Rascal, from veteran Philip Bergman. The rookie drivers entered some impressive new designs as well, such as Superheavyweight finalist Drive, Middleweight champion The Thwacking Head, and Superheavyweight semifinalist Vendetta. However, the winner of the Astrobot Award is Riot Control, runner-up in the Heavyweight division.
As you know, Aggression is one of the three major categories, and the Giguere Award honors the aggressive robots. Rammers usually dominate this category, but it’s interesting to note Truth Or Consequences’ place of honor as a seriously aggressive robot. Other aggressive bots include Team Zlayerz’ Shadow Zone Forever, Team AC/DC’s Nazi Zombies, and Team Targeted’s Eurypterus Evolved. For the most aggressive robot, though, look to our next fight, and you’ll see him there. Copperhead.
We’ve awarded a good strategist and the aggressive robots, but how about those that inflict the most damage? Bots like Lightweight Cyberdemon, or Heavyweights Dark Star and The Dark Side Of Cupid, are known for the damage they inflict. Team AC/DC is known for their damage-inflicting bots, such as AMP, and also JOLT. And it is JOLT who wins the Japanese School Girl Award, given to the bot that inflicted the most damage.
It’s always a great thing when a bot beats some unexpected odds, and the Warper Award recognizes those underappreciated overachievers. Multi-bot Aces And Spades did a lot better than most expected, as did fellow Lightweight Rascal. Superheavyweight Final Boss turned a lot of heads, as did Heavyweight Giant Swan. But it was Middleweight Return Of Feedback that really beat the odds, getting to the semifinals, thus earning the Warper Award.
One of the ways a bot can beat odds is to be a returning bot that improves significantly, and we saw our share of those this season. Return Of Feedback was one such bot, alongside fellow Middleweights Sarge, Taurus, and Shovearound 2.5. But the Underminer Award, given to the most improved bot, goes to Team Hunga’s Giant Swan, who turned a laughable overall record into a decent one with an impressive run in the Heavyweight division.
Sometimes a bot that looks awesome can develop a solid following, for which we have the Double Dose Award. Bots like The Dark Side Of Cupid and Flank Attack got a few catcalls, as did Shockwave XL and Underall. But the most awesome-looking was Team Omegaforce’s Dark Star, winner of the Double Dose Award.
Sometimes a bot is just so awesome because it’s creative in its design. The Adrenaline Award rewards such creativity. Return Of Feedback was one such bot, as well as fellow Middleweight Octavius. The Lightweight division gave us the stompbot, Broken Wings, while Paul Gancitano turned on the creative juices and gave us Fritz. In the end, though, it was the removable active weapon system of Written Like The O In The Word “Goodbye” that wowed everyone the most, and it is that bot that wins the Adrenaline Award.
The Cow Tipper Award is the award that rewards engineering in a bot. Solid engineering is present in both Superheavyweight finalists, Copperhead and Drive, as well as semifinalist Vendetta. Heavyweight runner-up Riot Control was also a work of engineering. Once again, though, it’s Team Hunga that wins the award with the repeat champion Underall.
Lastly is the Defiance Award, for the best record by a team. Not much discussion here. Team Targeted turned in a full thirty wins in the regular season, and are the winners of the Defiance Award. Congratulations to them and all our award winners.
(closing montage with the poses and “Hip-Hop Phenomena” plays out)Tim: Thank-you, Bill Nye. We’ll now go from Bill to Bil. Bil Dwyer, tell us about our Superheavyweight finalists.
Bil: Copperhead is the other finalist from Team Omegaforce, and a longtime veteran of the Advanced Robot Combat scene. Not much has changed about this bot, but it hasn’t needed to either to be a tour-de-force in the Superheavyweight division.
Drive is a rookie bot with a fairly simplistic wedge design. It’s low clearance and spring-loaded wedge have had a lot to do with it burning up the competition.
Tim: It’s the classic rookie-veteran duel. Mark Beiro has our introductions.
(cut and sweep across the auditorium to center arena, where Mark Beiro stands with microphone)Mark: Our Advanced Robot Combat Superheavyweight champion will be determined by this next fight! Introducing, in the Red Square to my right: this powerful viper is here to put puncture wounds in your leg, cotton in your mouth, and pennies on your eyes! Introducing… COPPERHEAD!!!
(audience applause)Tim: Copperhead lost the regular season match against Drive. Is revenge a motivating factor in the finals, here?
Mark: And in the Blue Square: when you see him coming, switch to reverse quickly, or he’ll park you permanently! Neutral towards no one, here is… DRIVE!!!
(more applause from the audience)Bil: Drive relies heavily on its spring-loaded wedge and monococque structure. Yes, you can say “monococque” on television.
Tim: Say it with me, Bil?
Tim and Bil: The box is locked, the lights are on, it’s robot fighting time!
Bil: Thank-you, Tim.
Tim: And right off the bat, we see Copperhead charging at Drive, with almost reckless abandon.
Bil: The last time they fought, Copperhead was caught off-guard by the fact that Drive was so ruthlessly aggressive. It would appear he’s trying to turn the tables.
Tim: Copperhead getting right into the spring-loaded wedge, and he’s getting under it! Copperhead trying to push Drive.
Bil: Copperhead’s going to have trouble with that though. He’s built for speed, not power, and isn’t going to easily out-push Drive.
Tim: Drive’s wedge, hitting the seam above the spikes on Copperhead, and Bil, it looks like it’s giving him the leverage to push!
Bil: Not just leverage, but he’s still got all his wheels on the ground. Copperhead’s not gonna be able to do much attacking the front.
Tim: And in fact, it is now Drive who pushes Copperhead onto the Killsaws, and the saws toss Copperhead!
Bil: That may actually help Copperhead. That toss separates them and allows Copperhead to go at it anew.
Tim: Copperhead going full throttle towards Drive. Drive squaring himself to face Copperhead. Now Copperhead going over Drive! Right up and over Drive!
Bil: This is where being low will hurt you, and not just low, but flat.
Tim: Copperhead driving off the side of Drive, now getting UNDER the side of Drive, and he’s taking him to the Pulverizer!
Bil: It’s been the hazard of choice throughout the season. Four out of five bots prefer to take their opponent to the Pulverizer than no hazard at all.
Tim: Really?
Bil: And forty-two percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
Tim: I thought as much. But it’s Drive who’s on the spot now, getting hit after hit from the Pulverizer.
Bil: Its monococque structure doing the job, though. Holding up well.
Tim: You just like saying “monococque,” don’t you?
Bil: Who doesn’t?
Tim: Drive managing now to slip away, and Copperhead gets hit in the process!
Bil: Incidental damage there, but it’s still points for Drive. Copperhead doesn’t want to make those kinds of mistakes.
Tim: Copperhead trying to get out, but Drive getting under him and slamming him right back into the Pulverizer.
Bil: That’s what you want to do. Dish out the pain.
Tim: But now Copperhead driving on top of Drive, and he’s free! Drive speeding away as quickly as he can.
Bil: Drive wants to get away from the Pulverizer as possible before Copperhead can slam him back in there.
Tim: Copperhead, with those spikes, chasing after Drive. And catching him! Copperhead getting under Drive’s behind and slamming him into the wall!
Bil: And you see from the SlamCam there, Drive is up against the spikes but good.
Tim: Copperhead backing off. It looks like he thinks he’s got Drive stranded on the spikes and wants the KO.
Bil: Yeah, you can’t convince the refs you’ve got your opponent incapacitated if you’re still slamming him.
Tim: Looks like he backed off too soon, though! Drive getting off the spikes and he’s moving and gets under Copperhead! Drive taking Copperhead into the opposite wall!
Bil: This is what we wanted to see! Two Superheavyweights throwing their weight around… or their opponent’s weight around, more appropriately.
Tim: Copperhead seems to have one of his spikes caught in a spike on the Spike Strip. He’s not driving on the top of Drive as he has done so far.
Bil: But you see now Drive is not letting up. He learned from his own experience not to give up too quickly.
Tim: Copperhead, wriggling back and forth, and he’s free! And there he goes up and over Drive as we have seen before!
Bil: If you’re Copperhead, you don’t want to waste any time now. Precious time has already been lost.
Tim: Copperhead certainly not losing time. He’s under Drive’s side and he’s slamming him into the Wedged Wall! Oh, and he’s flipped Drive!!
Bil: That doesn’t seem like much, but there’re two things about that: one, Drive’s a hard bot to flip, considering he’s so wide that he barely fits through the entrance of the Battlebox; two, that spring-loaded wedge has just folded over and is now useless, even he’s flipped back over, right-side up. Copperhead has taken the main weapon of Drive out of commission.
Tim: Copperhead has taken Drive back to the Pulverizer, and the hammer is hitting Drive! Again and again!
Bil: Copperhead getting sloppy again though! He’s getting a few shots from the hammer himself.
(buzzer sounds)Tim: And this one is over! Oh what a final!
Bil: What a final indeed. Let’s see the replays… Copperhead getting aggressive early, but getting sawed. Drive on the spikes, then Copperhead… the flip, and of course, the Pulverizers coming into play a bit this fight.
Tim: It’s all down to what the judges say, though.
(cut to center arena, where the refs stand with both teams, as Mark Beiro announces)Mark: The three judges at arenaside have turned in a twenty-four to twenty-one decision for the winner, and Advanced Robot Combat: Reckoning Superheavyweight champion… THE RED SQUARE, COPPERHEAD!
Tim: And Copperhead is the champion! Team Omegaforce has avenged its loss in the Lightweight final, and Copperhead’s loss to Drive earlier in the season. Bil, how did the judges score this one?
Bil: It was really close, with Copperhead taking Aggression, Damage, and Strategy, each one by an eight to seven margin.
Tim: Traci Bingham is with a very happy Team Omegaforce.
(cut to backstage with Traci Bingham and John Garrison)Traci: Now, over the seasons, you’ve had the bad habit of disappearing and dropping out of the competition due to some emergency. What happened this time?
John: Well, making plans without consulting the United States Army is always inadvisable, but especially when you’re a serviceman!
Traci: But you made it at last. Way to go, sir!
John: Sir? I work for a living! I’m SERGEANT John Garrison!
Traci: Well, what are you gonna do now, Sergeant?
John: Get drunk! Tequila rules!
Traci: Alright!!
(cut to Jason and Randy Sklar with Joey McConnell)Jason: Now, the last time you fought, you won that fight by being the more aggressive bot. This time you backed off. What brought about the change?
Joey McConnell: I wanted to do more with my maneuverability. Drive can turn better and has more pushing power. That, and I thought my spring-loaded wedge would never fail. It didn’t last time. I tried to rely what I thought were my strengths more this time, and unfortunately, it didn’t work as I’d hoped.
Randy: Now, this is your first experience with Advanced Robot Combat. What do you think of it?
Joey: Oh, ARC is the dog’s bollocks!
Randy: I-- Is that good or bad? Guys…?
(return to the studio with Bil and Tim)Bil: Don’t look at me, I don’t know either. Do you?
Tim: No clue. While we get a translator here, you watch these messages, and we’ll be back with the presentation of the Giant Nut. Don’t miss it.
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the camera fades out to commercial)
(two-and-a-half minutes of commercials play)
(“Search And Destroy” plays as the show returns)Bil: Intimidator sends Aces of Aces And Spades flying into the top of the Drum, jamming both Drum and Aces. THAT’S our Hit of the Tournament, brought you to by Barq’s Root Beer, the official soda pop of Advanced Robot Combat.
Tim: Welcome back everyone. What a night it has been, and what a season it has been at that. For a quick recap of tonight’s events, my partner, Bil Dwyer.
Bil: In the Lightweight final, it was former champion Underall spinning and thwacking his way back to his throne, beating Sovereign twenty-five to twenty. In the Middleweight division, it was The Thwacking Head beating Shovearound 2.5 by a score of twenty-six to nineteen. It was The Dark Side Of Cupid tearing pieces off of Riot Control in a twenty-eight to seventeen decision for the Heavyweight title, and Copperhead dominated Drive in a nail-biting decision of twenty-four to twenty-one. In summation, our champions are Underall, The Thwacking Head, The Dark Side Of Cupid, and Copperhead.
Tim: As I said, it has been an amazing season, here at Advanced Robot Combat. And I just want to thank everyone who has made it spectacular. Special thanks to all the roboteers who made this a phenomenal season. For Traci Bingham, Bill Nye, Jason Sklar, Randy Sklar, Mark Beiro, Pete Lambertson, the referees, judges, roboteers and everyone else here at Advanced Robot Combat, I’m Tim Green.
Bil: And I’m Bil Dwyer, also thanking everyone who made this a terrific season. We leave you now with the presentations of the Giant Nut Awards.
(cut to center arena, where the champion drivers stand next to each other, as Mark Beiro announces)Mark: We honor now, the Advanced Robot Combat: Reckoning champions!
(audience applauds)Mark: In the Lightweight division, Underall!
(Dylan Pommer steps forward, picks up his Giant Nut, and holds it up with his left hand for everyone to behold, as the audience cheers)Mark: In the Middleweight division, The Thwacking Head!
(Martijn Benschop steps forward, grabs his Giant Nut and holds it up with his right hand over his head triumphantly, as the audience applauds)Mark: In the Heavyweight division, The Dark Side Of Cupid!
(Chris Schramm steps forward, picks up his Giant Nut, and holds it over his head with both hands, while the audience cheers)Mark: In the Superheavyweight division, Copperhead!
(John Garrision steps forward, grabs his Giant Nut, and hoists it over his head, as the crowd cheers)
(“Search And Destroy” plays as a montage of clips featuring the nights best hits and slams rolls through the screen, while credits roll)
(fade to black)
